School Days
July 5th, 2011
My first episode of major depression was when I was thirteen and in my first term at boarding school. I don't very often think about it in much depth, and since my last two years there were mostly positive, I don't feel particularly twisted up about it as a whole. Anyway, I suspect that for the majority of us school years were mixed at best, so I don't need a special pity party just for me.
But over the last couple of months, I have been prompted to revisit some old haunts. It began when I read a novel called Prep, by Curtis Sittenfeld, about an American boarding school (Sweet Valley High, as written by George Elliot, according to one critic). The day after I finished it, I ran into a girl from my boarding house on a farm in Cornwall. Then a week later, I met the headmaster who had taken over after my headmaster retired. And had a friend from school to stay for the night. Yesterday Charis emptied out a bookshelf, and my GCSE revision cards fell out of King Lear.
Sometimes walking right into the middle of a frightening place is the best way to cope with it. It's not that I have realised that it was all much easier than I had remembered- it was genuinely bleak- but neither are those memories so dreadful that I need to organise my mind around avoiding them.
What is your philosophy? Move on and forget, or try to reconcile yourself to your past and live alongside it?
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Your comments
Happy
~ July 5th, 2011 ~ 10:07I'm definitely a move on and forget it kind of person. I feel its better to look forward than backwards. Put your past behind you and learn from your mistakes - my philosophy in life.....
Jo
~ July 5th, 2011 ~ 12:07Happy by name, happy by nature! I guess there is only so much time, and if you can get on and live now that might be a better use of it. Although, some memories don't behave themselves as we'd like and keep trying to intrude. Hmmmm.
Danni
~ July 5th, 2011 ~ 12:07What an interesting set of circumstances. Jo, you are right that "walking into the middle of a frightening place is the best way to cope with it" but this needs to be done in community and not alone. If only "putting your past behind you" was that simple!
Martin~ July 5th, 2011 ~ 13:07I definitely try (hope) to reconcile myself to my past...it's really difficult at times, but I think it's important to help stop memories creeping up - if I know I've dealt with something, it's less scary...a bit like the brother with the invisibility cloak in good ol' J.K's last Potter book, greeting 'scary' Death as an old friend...(sorry for the geekery!)
Sue
~ July 6th, 2011 ~ 00:07I believe that at times we should move on and forget...until we are able to go back and deal with it. We can learn from our trials but only if we are willing to take a good hard look at them...and then move on....very, very, far away!
Mary Watkins
~ July 7th, 2011 ~ 04:07Jo, I wanted to rub out my past . But alas that doesn't work. It's tricky--you don't want to wallow (sp?) in it but when it rears its head --don't try to push it down. I have found that each time I revisit something (or it revisits me) it's power over me has been diminished even though the reality of the situation remains the same. The fact that so many things relating to your school experience seemed to converge most likely is indicative of the Father wanting to revisit with you this period of your life and bring healing.
Blessings , Mary
Jo
~ July 7th, 2011 ~ 08:07I suppose I have seen and tried to take this as an opportunity to find some healing and resolution. Pretending something painful didn't happen allows it to retain its power over you, because it is there impacting how you react/ feel etc, but without you acknowledging what's really going on. So, I guess I do think that every now and then, it is productive to give the past a good hard look. Thanks all for your insightful comments :)
Emily Taylor
~ July 8th, 2011 ~ 03:07Revisiting the past is one of the scariest things I have ever done. When it's raw, visits at night & seems to rear it's head with ugly rights is the worst.
I believe that with a strong social support network, prayer, Pray-ers & barrel load of love... One can walk through the darkest of pasts.
This is my testimony, albeit a very raw & current reality. (it's 3:08am!!!)
